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The Latino maid asked for a pay increase.  My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase? Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.  The first is that I iron better than you...' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife:  (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Senora...the Gardener did.' Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Why we Miss Rodney Dangerfield.... Because he said | .....  My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from  Chicago last night. MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

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